Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Shallow Thoughts

Time for another addition of Shallow Thoughts also known as There is Too Much Going on in the World of Sports for me to Synthesize it all into one Well Constructed Piece of Writing.  We've got a movie review, some more kicking Matt Ryan when he's down and even a little golf but there's really only one place to start right?

"We thought he was a quarterback
but to our surprise,
we climbed aboard his starship
and headed for the skiiiieeees..."
Broncos-Steelers:  A different angle on this game that you would only get from a degenerate gambler.  The line at the time I picked it (wrong) was 8.5.  In the old days, if you went into overtime on the wrong side of that line, you were screwed.  But ponder this potential scenario assuming a different outcome of last Sunday's coin toss.  The Steelers win the toss, drive down the field and kick a field goal.  Under the new rules, they kick off to the Broncos who then have a chance to win the game with a touchdown or extend it with a field goal of their own.

But what happens if the Broncos botch the return forcing them to start on their own five yard line.  On the first play from scrimmage, Tebow drops back into the endzone to pass and Troy Polamalu comes flying off the end and strip sacks him and then recovers the ball for a touchdown?  Does the touchdown count?  I know the game ends as soon as the Steelers gain possession but at that same moment they also score a touchdown which would give them a nine point win and produce the most unbelievable and reviled cover of all time followed by the world being plunged into total darkness.  And then, just when we think all hope is lost, there would be a great burst of light and suddenly everyone on Earth (except for Hines Ward) is on a 7 billion seat passenger jet to an eternal paradise piloted by you know who.

Saints - Lions:  Let's just say that at no point on Saturday night did I become concerned that I was down 17.5 against the spread with this guy on my side:  Drew Brees v. The Archer.

"When he throws 4 touchdown passes
against the Bucs, the Matrix is telling my
brain that he can win the Super Bowl."
Giants-Falcons:  I have to admit I took great satisfaction in listening to the talking heads ramble on about how Matt Ryan closed the season with 10 touchdown passes and no interceptions in his last four games completely ignoring the fact that those games were against the Bucs, Saints, Jags and Panthers.  Then Ryan went out on Sunday and validated my assessment that he "just seems to lack the ability to produce points when playing good teams which, you know, makes it kind of tough to beat them."  I love being right.  (Good Lord I'm starting to sound like Rex Ryan).  The Falcons and their fans are going to spend the next nine years eating steak in the ignorant bliss of the Matrix and then they're going to wake-up one day and wonder why they don't even have a trip to the NFC Championship Game to show for it.  


Texans-Bengals:  It's comforting to know that, at least for now, the Bengals are still who we thought they were.  Andy Dalton appears to have the makings of a young Matt Ryan.  At least let's hope so.

The Jets:  It's comical that the Jets are turning on Mark Sanchez two years AFTER he revealed himself to be a petulant punk on Hard Knocks.  My favorite scene as described by ESPN's Rich Cimini:  "Mark Sanchez is being lectured in a meeting room by QB coach Matt Cavanaugh but the young quarterback seemingly ignores him, fiddling with his backpack and refusing to make eye contact."  I guess I should give Sanchez some slack because I do remember acting that way at least once in my life.  I think it was when my 7th grade science teacher confronted me about my blacking-out part of the letters on the cover of my text book so instead of saying Investigating the Earth, it said Invest in the Fart.  If anyone wants to trade a 4th round (and falling) draft pick for a quarterback with the leadership skills and work ethic of a wise-ass 13 year old, give the Jets a call.  I'm sure if you throw-in one of those sideline heaters and a half a dozen chinstraps, they'll include Santonio Holmes in the deal.        


"CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS
CAN'T SAVE THIS MOVIE!"
Super 8:  Steven Spielberg got back to his roots by producing a movie about a monster we can't see terrorizing a small town and hired J.J. Abrams to tell the story by alternating one explosion with every seven words of dialogue.  Let me save you the two hours.  You could get the same effect by giving your kids a couple of boxes of Snap-n-pops, tell them to sneak around behind you and throw them when you're not paying attention and then go re-watch Jaws.   The coach who won two Texas state high school championships and rebuilt East Dillon football couldn't even save this one.


Mark May:  For those who don't know who he is, Mark May was a standout offensive lineman for the University of Pittsburgh and then the Washington Redskins who now works for ESPN as a college football analyst with Lou Holtz on what I assume is one of the network's lower tier shows (because Kirk Herbstreit is not on it).  The few times I've watched May, I've found him to be one of those guys who states the obvious with the conviction of a motivational speaker but I couldn't have given you an example of this because I never paid that much attention to him . . . until now.  A couple of weeks ago, he dropped this unforgettable nugget as one of his predictions for 2012.  "You know what I don't want to see in 2012 . . . another Penn St."  (I'm assuming he wasn't talking about their terrible passing game).  And with that, he just swooped in at the last minute and stole the Most Egregious Statement of the Obvious title from the Japanese weatherman who said back in September, "you know what I really don't want to see in 2012 . . . another tsunami."  (OK, I made that last part up).         


"Missed it by that much."
Hyundai Tournament of Champions:  (Hey look, some golf on the Fantasy Golf Report).  When I finally get around to posting my Fantasy Golf Not Quite Preseason Preview, it will include my five bold predictions for the 2012 season.   At No. 3, I planned to write something along the lines of, "Steve Stricker's collapse in the 4th round of the PGA Championship and his poor performance in the FedEx Cup are indications that he is going to have a down year."  (For those who don't follow the game closely, Stricker just won the first tournament of 2012 which puts that prediction on somewhat shaky ground).  It could still happen.  It's not like the guy's won at least two tournaments a year since 2008.  (Wait, he has?  Was that information available on the internet?).  OK so would you believe FOUR bold predictions for 2012?