Monday, December 19, 2011

Bitter Monday

"GIVE ME THE MUTHER-
FUCKING KEYBOARD!"
I've had a few female acquaintances (ok, both of them) tell me that they like reading my blog but they often don't find the subject matter that appealing and they wonder if maybe I could broaden it a bit.  My initial reaction to this was of course "no" but then I had an experience last week that changed my perspective.  Let me preface what I'm about to write by saying that I love both women and the city of Baltimore as evidenced by the fact that I am married to one and choose to live in the other.  Unfortunately, when you combine the two, you might get the world's most uninformed avid sports fan.  (Are you sure you're in the right frame of mind to write this today?  Maybe we should wait for Laurence Fishburne to come calm you down).

This revelation arises out of a conversation I overheard last week between two women while I was sitting in a waiting room.  (I'm not going to identify the location because why insult two individuals when you have the opportunity to offend an entire segment of society?)  The dialogue went down something like this:

Woman A:  "Did you hear that the Ravens game is going to be blacked-out on TV this Sunday?"

Woman B:  "Really?  (agitated) They better not, because I love those night games."

"Maybe there's somewhere
else to watch the game. 
Check the movie listings."
(Note that so far we have a proffer that a game is going to be blacked-out in the hometown of the visiting team which is 3,000 miles away from where the game is being played.  We further have a tacit acceptance of that proffer by someone who is enough of a fan to (a) know that it's a night game and (b) be frustrated by the prospect of not getting to watch it).

Woman A:  "That's what I heard.  It's because the Chargers didn't sell all of their tickets."

Woman B:  "You'd think that Keith Mills would have said something on Channel 11 last night."

(At this point, I should note that these women were having this conversation within two feet of a computer that would presumably grant them access to all of the information needed to assuage their fears). 

Woman B:  (In all seriousness) "Well you could always go to the game if there are that many tickets left.  It's got to be easier than getting a ticket to a home game."

Woman A:  (Also in all seriousness) "Yeah but the airfare would be a fortune."

"It's not your fault ladies."
That last one was enough to drive me out of earshot so I don't know if they ever discovered the truth but you get the picture.  Look, I love that the teachers at my daughter's preschool go all out for "Purple Friday" and that the ladies are extremely well represented at home games but I bet if you asked most of them to describe a draw play they would tell you that it's what the coach does on the chalkboard at halftime.  And the sad part is that you can't blame them entirely for their ignorance because they live in a town where the primary sources of sports information are The Baltimore Sun (which wouldn't even be a Top 20 college newspaper) and broadcasters who can tell you who the punters were for the 1958 NFL Championship Game but can't tell you who the current starting quarterbacks are for more than half the league.  That would be like blaming the people of Havana for not understanding the basic principles of capitalism.    

"Oh yeah, well YOU think a
'tight end' is something you
get from using a Thighmaster."
So here is my advice to Charm City's female fans to help get them up to speed:  (1) When watching the games on TV, try to stop talking over the announcers for at least 25% of the time and do not, under any circumstances, turn the TV down and listen to the game on local radio while you watch it, (2) read Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback.  It's written in a format like US Weekly and there are enough human interest stories to make the football talk palatable to even the most casual fan, (3)  watch one of the ESPN or NFL Network Sunday night highlight shows (and not just the Ravens part) and again, try to stop talking for at least 25% of the show (not including the commercials), and (4)  keep reading this blog.  It's like reading Plato's Republic or Dante's Divine Comedy in college.  It might not make any sense but it will subconsciously make you smarter.  (Take it from the guy who bought the Cliff Notes for the Old Testament).  To paraphrase George Constanza, "it's smart.  It's a smart blog and a smart crowd will appreciate it.  AND I'M NOT GOING TO DUMB IT DOWN FOR SOME BONEHEAD MASS AUDIENCE!"  ("The Jerkstore" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLjxp_86dKs).

"I'd stop talking."
So there you go ladies.  A blog post tailored to your love of advice you didn't ask for and pictures of celebrities.  The only thing missing was a Kardashian reference (and I think I just took care of that).  I apologize if the tone was a little mean spirited but part of being a true fan is having a bad loss ruin your whole next day.  Kind of like when you get mad at us for. . . I think I'll just go ahead and end it there.  A good man always knows his limitations.        

P.S. - part of my research on this subject included an article on the Chargers' blackout which referenced the fact that they play in "Snapdragon Stadium."  This prompted a reader to post the following:  "Snapdragon Stadium?  They named a stadium after my ex-wife's vagina?"  I love the internet.