Friday, October 28, 2011

The Week 8 NFL Picks

"Do you know if this blog
is pager friendly?  I'm not
getting a sig on my beeper."
Hello.  How 'bout those picks last week.  I guess that's why they call this the Fantasy Golf Report.  You might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner.  I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.  So far that's gotten me nowhere so this week I decided to rip-off other people's picks until I found out guys like Peter King didn't even break .500 picking the games straight-up (a useless endeavor).  I am therefore going to take one more whack at this on my own and hope that at least SOME of the quarterbacks on the teams I pick bother to show-up for work (I think he's talking to yoooouuuu Flacco).   


Tennessee by 9 over Indy:  The Pick - Titans

These two teams lost by a combined score of 103-14 last week which coincidentally was the average score of Brittney Griner's high school basketball games (you're damn right I just worked a women's college basketball reference into the equation...everything is on the table this week!)  I'm picking the Titans because their margin of defeat was 21 points less than the Colts.  Welcome to the post-Manning AFC South. 

Houston by 9.5 over Jacksonville:  The Pick - Texans

You know how some rookie quarterbacks just come right in and have "it" and by "it" I mean the ability to flinch at the first sign of pressure.  David Carr and Tim Couch had "it" and unfortunately for the Jags, it appears Blaine Gabbert might have "it" too.  Meanwhile, the Texans survived a brutal four game stretch (at Saints, Steelers, Raiders, at Ravens) and now look like they might be able to live-up to the high expectations everyone had for them coming into this year....and last year....and the year before that.     

Carolina by 3.5 over Minnesota:  The Pick - Panthers

"I gotta have more Cam Newton baby!"
The 26th and 30th ranked scoring defenses squaring-off against rookie quarterbacks.  In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king and before he's done, Cam Newton is going to be wearing gold plated diapers ("What does that mean?......NEVER QUESTION BRUCE DICKINSON!!!)   

New Orleans by 13 over St. Louis:  The Pick - Saints

The Saints lead the league in scoring at 34.1 points per game and the Rams are last at 9.3 and would have only covered a 13 point spread twice this year (in fact, they would have only covered a 17.5 point spread twice this year).  I'm pretty sure the Rams would be the first team in history to pick a quarterback #1 overall twice in three years but wouldn't they have to cut bait with Bradford if given the chance?  They could always trade him to the Raiders for their next available first round pick which I think is in 2017.   

Baltimore by 13 over Arizona:  The Pick - Ravens


Mike Wilbon said on PTI that everyone who has ever lived in Baltimore should be embarrassed by the way the Ravens played on Monday night.  (He's right.  I haven't been that embarrassed since I tried jumping a tennis net in high school and came up about an inch short which is apparently all you need to take the net down with you).  If that's the case, then everyone who has ever eaten a crab cake, watched  And Justice for All or had syphilis (read The Tipping Point or just Google "Baltimore syphilis") should be embarrassed if the Ravens lose to the Cardinals.                

NY Giants by 10 over Miami:  The Pick - Giants

"You may be a member of the Miami
Dolphins much longer than you think
Mr.  Moore....if you're not careful."
One of these horrible road teams is going to cover the big number but I'm going to play the percentages and pick against all of them.  The Dolphins put up a good fight last week until Matt Moore got a visit from the owner who reminded him that (a) there is only one Andrew Luck in next year's draft, and (b) that it was "Tim Tebow Day" (which was kind of odd for a Dolphin home game).  Picture the halftime talk between Eddie Albert and Burt Reynolds in "The Longest Yard" (the 1974 version, not the 2005 Adam Sandler steaming pile of cr....)

Buffalo by 6 over Washington:  The Pick - Bills

When you start the season featuring Rex Grossman, Tim Hightower and Santana Moss on offense and then you downgrade to John Beck, Ryan Torrain and Jabar Gaffney, you are officially in a "we just lost engine 3" situation.  We should be able to identify every vein in Mike Shanahan's forehead at his press conferences by the end of the year.     

Detroit by 2.5 over Denver:  The Pick - Lions

"Don't worry Urban, I've got you."
My only concern here is that the Broncos are going to be down by 9 on the last play of the game and Tim Tebow is going to drop back for a Hail Mary and then take off up the field as time expires slamming into every Lions' defender on his way into the endzone even though none of them are trying to tackle him.  Then he will scream in rage, leap in the air and start circling the Earth until time reverses itself so he can come back, pull Urban Meyer out of a crevice, replay the fourth quarter and win the game.   

New England by 3 over Pittsburgh:  The Pick - Steelers

I hope I'm wrong but how do you not take 3 points and the Steelers at home?  That was painful to write.  I need to move on.        

San Francisco by 8.5 over Cleveland:  The Pick - 49ers

The Browns might be the worst 3-3 team in the history of the league.  They've beaten the Colts, Dolphins and Seahawks by a combined 8 points and they don't have a top 20 quarterback, a top 30 running back or a top 40 wide receiver.  If you want to argue that Peyton Hillis is a top 30 running back then I'm sorry you picked him in the second round and ignored the obvious warning signs like the injury history, the fumbles and the fact that he looks like a roiled-up version of Nick Lachey.

Cincinnati by 3 over Seattle:  The Pick - Bengals

The Bengals get what should be a layup before they go through a six week stretch where we'll find out if they're for real.  Seattle's dream of repeating as a 7-9 division champion appears to have been dashed by their 2-4 start and the fact that Jim Harbaugh refused to go along with Pete Carroll's plan at the NFC West coach's meeting:  "Jim this is how it works.  No one tries too hard.  We all suck.  Everyone gets to keep their job.  Are you in?"

Philadelphia by 3.5 over Dallas:  The Pick - Cowboys

"What is that thing in the sky
with all of those zeroes on it?"
I'd love to hear someone try to make a compelling argument for picking between two otherwise evenly matched teams with Tony Romo and Michael Vick playing quarterback.  (Really, I'd love to because I have no idea who to pick).  I'm going to guess that Romo and Vick turn it over twice and cancel each other out and go with the Cowboys getting the 3.5 points.  Not to mention, I still can't get that image of Andy Reid staring at the clock at the end of the first half in Buffalo after he ran a play with 6 seconds left and time expired as Vick's pass was sailing out of the back of the endzone.  It was as if he was staring at a U.F.O.           

San Diego by 3.5 over Kansas City:  The Pick - Chargers

Now that Antonio Gates is back hobbling around the field like Fred Sanford, the Chargers are due for a 30+ point breakout.  Matt Cassel's no touchdown two pick game last week went virtually unnoticed because Kyle Boller and Carson Palmer were too busy tripling that effort and doing everything but actually rolling Al Davis over in his grave.  (Editor's Note: Back before we learned that Ozzie Newsome's Achilles heel was drafting quarterbacks, I sent an email to Peter King after Kyle Boller's rookie year comparing him to Brett Favre.  Just thought I should disclose that in case you were actually using this information to wager real money).   

Last week:  4-8-1 . . . .  Season: 10-14-2.  We can build on this!