Monday, June 27, 2011

The Travelers Update

Ryan Moore just made the list of players who I will never draft again under any circumstances along with guys like Sergio Garcia (I used to be the best player never to win a major), Paul Casey (I almost got close to being the best player never to win a major but no one actually thought I was going to win a major) and Geoff Ogilvy (Phil Mickelson gave me a major and then I kind of stopped trying).  Moore missed a four foot putt on 18 that would have gotten him into a playoff and then calmly knocked in the bogey putt, took his hat off and smiled as he shook hands.  Where was the devastation? Anguish? Despair?  Could I at least get a look of mild disbelief?  Nope.  I think he was overheard an hour later in the locker room saying “bummer – I guess I should have worn my lucky tie.”       
Next year I want a whole team of Spencer Levins.  Levin looks like he learned to swing a club by hitting a piƱata but at least I know he cares as much about him winning as I do.  I want a guy who five years from now is going to remember missing that putt when he’s brushing his teeth, shake his head and mutter “son of a bitch.”  Tiger laid awake for months replaying every putt he missed when he lost to Y.E. Yang at the PGA before he finally said “screw it, I’m going down to Perkins to have some pancakes and ruin my life.”  A sex addiction wasn’t Tiger’s downfall, it was the 33 putts he had on Sunday.  We know this to be true because sex addiction is just something that some unfaithful recidivist psychiatrist made-up when he knew the wife wasn’t going to buy “I was drunk . . . I didn’t know what I was doing.” 
But I digress.  Congratulations to the Washy Wash for the big win and taking over the top spot in the standings.  I hope Freddy Jacobsen keeps rolling so we can hear more about his hand eye coordination exploits.  Did you know he was on the Swedish National Ping Pong team and was a junior national Gnip Gnop champion?  (One of these is actually true).  At the other end of the standings, can someone swing by the homes of InDaHole and Long Ball and make sure they’re not trapped under some furniture? 
Check your scores.